the writings of a mind

Title: Terminator 3: War of the Machines
Genre: Online Shooter
Strap: Humanity sits on the brink of extinction. If there are any bullets left, John Walker is going to push it closer to the edge.

I need to speak to you. Please, pay attention - the future of mankind depends upon it. This edition of PC Format has been sent back from the future to prevent you from purchasing a copy of Terminator 3: War of the Machines. Please understand the severity of this situation. Let me explain.

In the year 2004 you bought a copy of the latest attempt by Atari to rescue their flagging company through weak movie tie-ins. You took it to your house, installed it on your PC, and prepared to play the latest online multiplayer team game, your interests boosted by the connections with one of your favourite action movie series.

However, within the first few moments of play, you began to recognise that something was wrong. The immediately tacky menu screens, and complete lack of any sense of beginning, alerted your senses that all may not be well. Upon realising that there was only one mode of play, the brewing frustration that would eventually initiated the Ultimate War, blew bubbles to its surface.

As you stated in your diary, "When I began my first game, I was in utter shock at the dreadful graphics. They looked as if they had been built on the Quake II engine. However, this was nothing compared to my disappointment when I began Ďrunningí about. The clunky controls, accompanied by totally uninspiring weapons, put me in a very bad mood."

That bad mood was soon to lead to anger, when you first experienced the enemy robots. They died with only a couple of shots from your weedy weapon, and offered no sense of threat or menace Ė the element you are recorded as saying was your favourite theme of the films. You soon ran out of ammo, and learned quickly that finding more was near impossible, so decided to try a vehicle. You discovered it to be entirely pointless, the equivalent to strapping yourself to a bomb and heading into battle, then drove it over a bump, that caused it to roll over, and then silently vanish.

You could never have known that there was a chip implanted in your brain when you were a baby. And there was no way that you could have guessed that despondent rage would be the emotion that would fry it, causing your rampage to begin. But the wanton destruction you rained down upon the earth set nation upon nation, man upon man, in a war unlike any other.

Please Ė do not buy a copy. For the good of mankind, for the future of the planet, stick with Halo. Itís the most pale imitation there is. Oh, and donít worry about the chip. Forget I mentioned it. I must leave you now.

Donít miss this:

Strap: The moment of dawning realisation the very first time you decide to be a Terminator.

What is it?: Itís a world seen in red. You see, during the films, itís quite a clever idea to cut to the VP of the enemy, experiencing his monochrome worldview Ė perhaps itís even slightly sinister. However, this works thanks to brevity and novelty.

Where to find it: You can find it any time you like, so long as you want everything obscured. This is why when you go online, all the real people are humans, and the game has to play the robots. Making it pointless.

Reality check: Killer robots already rule the earth. It is only a matter of time before the destruction begins.

 A simulation of Arnieís California election campaign would be more entertaining.


Tech Specs:

Publisher: Atari
Price: £35
Minimum System: 800Mhz CPU, 128Mb, 32Mb 3D card
Recommended: 2Ghz CPU, 256Mb, 128Mb 3D card
Multi-player: Essentially all there. Offline is somehow worse than online.
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