Title: Star Trek Starship Creator Warp II
Strap: If this were any worse, it would be the boy band 5ive.

"Call it a job? All you do is play games all day. Good grief, it’s alright for some. Blah blah blah…"

If ever there was proof that this above, over-repeated statement is complete arse, then ta-da! – here it is.

It’s hard to imagine how Starship Creator Warp II could be any worse. Perhaps razor-blades could spring out of the box tearing your eyes out when you first open it. Or it could contain a deadly virus wiping the files from your computer and killing your family. Or perhaps that would be more fun.

The ‘Warp II’ is in reference to the astonishingly poor prequel that laid the way for this festering nonsense. It managed to score 9%. Oh cor blimey, it’s exciting to see how well this one will do in comparison. The principle is exactly the same: You choose one of seven ship classes (Defiant, Galaxy, Intrepid, etc), select the shape, and then replace millions of tiny little parts with millions of other tiny little parts, wondering what was wrong with the former millions of tiny parts. Then there is a unique feature: a fun bit. From a sporadic pool of Trek regulars and obscure extras, you can assign who you want to the most important roles on board. This gives the opportunity to see perhaps the pathetic, sycophantic Kes as captain, or the insensitive and offensive Emergency Medical Hologram as ship counsellor. That’s funny. For exactly 2.13 seconds.

Then it’s off to the mission screen where you will be misinformed to the point of disillusionment, before the veritable roller coaster ride that is watching an appalling graphic of your ship dribble across a grid map at a speed that leaves you constantly checking to see whether your computer has frozen. You have no control over this part, and it takes an excruciatingly long time, even on "accelerated". Help.

And finally, the instructions. The apparent booklet is in fact a folded A1 poster. A1. It is too big for a human to hold up and read. Probably the stupidest production design ever.